This Charming Journal

Words can't really explain how amazing Maya Hansen is.

It's really, really rare for me to hold a grudge. I'm just not that kind of person. If somebody pisses me off for any reason i'm usually over it within a day or so, and I would like to think i'm forgiving and that I don't wish bad things upon anyone without very good reason. But there is one person I can think of who is the exception to this rule, and a tiny, horrible little part of me can't help being very slightly pleased that he has broken up with his girlfriend, dropped out of college and generally fucked up his life. I'm a terrible, terrible person. :'D

In spite of myself I love this video, and the song is actually really catchy. I feel so mainstream :[

I like memes, but hate doing them on facebook because it feels so public. No-one reads livejournal so it's all good.

( what a waste of time :D )

Everything suddenly seems so much better than it's ever been before. I'm not sure exactly what it is but I feel quite a bit more relaxed and comfortable. I think i've realised that happiness isn't something we find, it's something we create. It just makes sense and it's such a lovely relief to feel in control.

I've had a really great few weeks.

I decided to take advantage of the cheap bodyline shipping to buy some stuff i've been needing for a while. I got a cardigan, some bloomers, two sets of false eyelashes (the MAC ones, although I doubt they are really MAC for $2 a pair xD) and at the last moment added a JSK on a total whim to justify the cost of shipping. I felt bad about it almost instantly even though it was one of the cheaper ones, because i'm not sure I will even wear it, it's not really my style even if it is cute-ish. I can't shake the feeling that I just keep buying and buying stuff to make myself feel better, to fill a hole that isn't being filled by anything else in my life, but I know it won't work and i'll just end up feeling more wretched than before. The meds are obviously not helping yet (it will take at least 2 weeks before they have any effect), but at least the side effects don't seem to be too bad. Just some mild nausea and a feeling of disconnection from my surroundings, as if i'm in my own bubble and everything sounds so distant and blurry like when you're in a swimming pool.

I just spent about 2 hours trying to place a massive order with chocomint completely in Japanese, which I don't speak AT ALL, and I have no idea if it's worked or not and now rakuten have all my card details Dx
I should have used a shopping service... ):
I have the confirmation e-mail but something doesn't seem right. I'm sure i've just flushed 13,000 yen down the drain.

I can't actually believe how much I just spent on a skirt. I am quite disgusted at myself. But, on the other hand, it is absoloutely beautiful and amazing. I don't know what to feel!

So my card got frozen today due to 'suspicious transactions' I bought a dress for about £100 and a set of Imai Kira postcards for about £13 and they froze my fucking card. Then when I tried to send an, addmittedly fairly huge, bid deposit to celga for a bunch of auctions it got refused and I was all 'D:' because celga can get really arsey about things like that. But then I got a call from a nice lady at Barclays and they unfroze it for me so it's all good. :]
I'll admit that i've already gone pretty mad with spending but some of what i'm (hopefully) buying is actually semi-practical like a decent sized bag for college, a new cardigan which I really need, gloves, hat etc. All Angelic Pretty, though which makes it slightly less justifiable. Hmm... I also REALLY want the melty chocolate JSK i'm bidding on but I think the other bidder really does too and i'm not sure how far to keep going up. It's not so much that I can't afford it, but it's a matter of what's reasonable to spend on one dress, you know? This sounds ridiculous but I really would like to wear a Chocolate themed co-ordinate for my trip to Brussels :D If I could get melty chocolate then I could maybe get the matching socks and/or beret and some chocolate shaped jewelery and if possible that sexy chocolate umbrella that Lianne has, although I haven't seen it in the shop that was selling them for a while so probably not. ButIStillWantTheDress D:

So last night was interesting. I nearly set fire to a pub xD
Actually all round it was a very fun night, though I do wish we had won the dog cuddly toy on that damned crane machine. I didn't hear from mum all night, which surprised me - I swear mums are supposed to care about stuff like that... Actually she has been really relaxed lately about me going out a lot more than I used to, or the fact that we rarely spend time together anymore. I love my mum, but I just haven't felt as close to her recently as I used to. I used to be the most clingy, dependent daughter ever. I preferred staying in and hanging out with her to going out with people my own age and I couldn't bare the thought of moving away to the extent that I was planning to apply to Sussex uni just so I could avoid it. Now I feel the opposite, I relish the thought of total independence and as harsh as it sounds I don't think I will miss her much. I really love it when she goes on holiday and I get the house to myself for a while. Of course i will come and visit, but I just really want to live my own life and do my own thing without having to ask for anyone's approval.

Went into college looking absoloutely rough today in yesterday's make-up, messy hair, my lowest cut dress and my new very stripper-esque heels. Given how I used to look, I wonder what people thought... On a slightly different note, the buckle on one of them broke after only about an hour of wear which i'm really not happy about. I managed to fix it with the brooch from my necklace and it actually looks quite cute like that, but still... what rubbish quality. I'm not sure whether I should complain to the seller, I hate confrontation of any kind, but it seems quite bad.

My cheque still hasn't cleared. It's weird because when I checked my balance today it came up as being the full amount, but I can't withdraw it because it's not in my available balance. I really hope it clears tomorrow like the dude at Barclays said it would.

I was reading through my inbox as you do and saw my usual daily politics.co.uk newsletter because i'm sad like that. The e-mail title was "Unions flex their muscles", but I managed to read it as "Unicorns flex their muscles" due to sheer bloody exhaustion xD
Reading comprehension fail makes for lulzy times.

I was going to make a big, personal entry about loads of emo shit, but I don't really like to make entries about unhappy things until they are definitley over, and this isn't. So instead, i'm just going to say that I actually love IAMX right now. I haven't properly gotten into much unfamiliar music for a long while, but I think they are bloody genius. I have been listening to them so much when I can't get to sleep at night.







Sorry for such a random and uninteresting entry, i'm just a little obsessed. I wish they were playing in the UK soon. :(

Tea party was finger-lickin' good. Journey home was... interesting. xD

I'm getting mouth-foamingly excited about sunday's tea party! I know it's silly but I just love seeing huge numbers of lolis together in one place, it's so surreal and spectacular *_*
I'm still not 100% certain what to wear (it depends what colour my hair has faded to by then!), but most likely it'll be Magic Whip with the matching socks and headbow and my lavender shoes. I ordered some bumpits (weird plastic headband things that give your hair volume and poof) off ebay, but i'm not sure they'll get here in time. It would be fun to do poofy hime hair without using that massive teased blobby thing that constantly feels like it's about to fall off your head xD
If that doesn't work out i'll probably go with teased bunches or something fun, I really want my hair to have some kind of shape to it because the magic whip headbow is huge like X-box and just looks ridiculous on my normal flat, straight hair D:
And bloody NS&I sent me a letter today saying that they couldn't process my request because I didn't provide my bank details in full, but they didn't say what I left out and i'm really confused because I tried so hard to do it right xD Anyway, they are going to send me my money in a crossed warrant (I think that just means a cheque?) so it's not all bad. Melty Chocolate shall be mine!
... And maybe wonder party and sugary carnival and that bow vomit dress i've been bumming for centuries.

Hair = Success!
It took a long time and a lot of bleach and dye, but my hair is now fully pink. It's not how I imagined it at all, I was going for AP candy pink and got flouro fuschia, but it came out really well so i'm pleased all the same and it will hopefully fade to a lighter shade as I wash it. As it is, it looks like an explosion in a beetroot factory. The style is not all that different, I basically ended up just getting a trim and some long layers because I chickened out and couldn't part with the length.
( magical photographicals ahead )

I have no idea what the hell to do with my hair! I know that I want it pink (possibly with purple streaks), and I know that I want to keep my straight fringe, but other than that i'm really lost!

I realise this probably sounds awful, but I am oddly drawn to some scene hairstyles even though I have very little love for the fashion generally. I just think they can look quite pretty, I like that the hair is still quite long without being totally flat and textureless like mine is at the moment. Also, the way the longer layers are much thinner than the shorter ones would be ideal for me because I find my current hair so heavy and hard to manage because of its thicknessd. I don't mean the massive teased, fried ones, but maybe something along these lines, but pink and with a straight fringe:
http://images.dailyradar.com/media/uploads/showhype/story_large/2008/12/22/640l.jpg
with a straight fringe, and shorter:
http://www.scene-hair.net/wp-content/uploads/2008/10/pink-scene-hair-330x474.jpg
http://media.photobucket.com/image/scene%20hair/i_want_a_taco/lhkilk014.jpg
http://www.polyvore.com/cgi/img-thing?.out=jpg&size=l&tid=1340211
But i'm not an impossibly beautiful stick insect, so it would probably just look ridiculous on me. :[

Or maybe something more like this:
http://www.taobao.com/view_image.php?pic=Wx0GGlFDXA1VUwMKWx0SCwkNGRFcVxxQW1UcCxMFRBkDCFdVV1cRRhpcRDhHEW9hW2tTYVYMQjpFKTAtbGsDA0dRQ1RFBgYV&title=v8m%2FybzZt6KhosfrzvDEo7fCxuvB9bqjtNnP%2Brzb0ruw2cHjsMuw%2FL%2Fstd0hIQ%3D%3D&version=2&c=ZDVmYWZjZmQ3MmVlZDJmZTFkZDc2N2NhMjc4YzJlY2I%3D&itemId=09ce3bdf5554cce326f63a0896a78435&shopId=35871544&sellerRate=1472&dbId=db2&fv=9
would be less silly? (I stole this from somebody's journal entry - not sure who's - about their own hair because I thought it was a cute style, so if I stole your idea i'm really sorry!)

I'm just so sick of my hair the way it is so i'd love some opinions/suggestions of nice haircuts with texture/layers and not curled or wavy because my hair absoloutely refuses to hold curls. Bearing in mind it will be pink ;)

I've decided to compile a list of all the things I currently want most (mostly but not exclusively lolita purchases) and have decided to allow myself out of my savings, in order of priority. This way I have a limit and I hopefully won't end up going too mad and buying a billion AP print dresses and i'll actually get some semi-useful wardrobe building peices as well.

1. Melty Chocolate OP/JSK/Skirt in pinkxpink or pinkxbrown
http://www.angelicpretty.com/
(I'll have to get it on auction, of course, but that should be ok)
If possible i'd like the matching socks and MAYBE the cardigan, although that's a big maybe because it'll likely be so expensive on auctions u_u

2. Kidsyoyo AP replica JSK in pinkxblue
http://item.taobao.com/auction/item_detail-0db2-e1a8e6a388c2532ec57104f44edcf3d2.htm
I've wanted this damn thing for absoloutely centuries, but I haven't bought it because it seemed like the sort of thing that would be available for some time and there were always 'rarer' things that I wanted. But it is very cute and good value and I would like some more blue peices in my wardrobe because I think it suits me better than most other colours.

3. A professional haircut and pink(!) dye job.
It sounds ridiculous, but I have always been way too cheap to fork out for a proper haircut, so I am definately going to invest in one when I can, and I desperately want proper bright pink hair. :3

4. A reasonably cheap but decent lolita coat for winter. Probably by bodyline or something. I have a beautiful angelic pretty coat, but I wore it nearly everyday last winter and it got pretty trashed, so I want to get something cheaper for everyday wear this season and keep my expensive one for best. Pink would be best as it will match most of my wardrobe and my (hopefully) soon to be pink hair.

5. Blouses! Omg I have such a serious lack of blouses in my wardrobe u_u Cheapish ones like anna house, surface spell, taobao brands or second hand brand from mbok and the like as i'm really not fond of dropping £80+ on a blouse. I'd like a white long-sleeved one, a light pink short-sleeved one and maybe a black one. I always find myself running out of clean bouses/cutsews to wear for college, so this is fairly sensible, really.

6. Kirakirajenjen or similarly poofy petticoat.

7. Secret Shop winter boots, pink or white. I love lolita boots :3

8. A fairly roomy loli bag big enough for college. Preferably something on the cheaper end of the scale as i'm careless and tend to let pens leak in my bags xD
Possibly this one from bodyline:
http://www.bodyline.co.jp/bodyline/frame01.asp?type=gothic&subType=dress
In pink. I need something more practical than my tiny heart bags xD

9. One of my numerous dream prints by Angelic Pretty (this is a big maybe as I will have spent a lot by the time i've bought all this stuff) e.g Sugary Carnival, Wonder Party, Rose Toilette or Puppet Circus. All long shots, but worth trying?

So today I scanned the purikura that Emilie and I took up in London a few weeks back. I thought I would photospam it here because I post way too many text only entries. The quality isn't great because my scanner is rubbish, but nevermind ~

( Sparkly, artificial goodness this way~ )
These were so fun to take! I had never done it before but I think they came out pretty decent. I'm not sure what to do with the actual stickers, though.
Anyway, college starts tomorrow and I have a psychology essay to write which I haven't started yet because i'm lazy. I really want to talk to my English teacher and get some help with my personal statement which is so far hilariously tragic and pretentious but I don't know how to write about modernism without sounding like a total dickhead... is it even possible? Also - bloody hell I want melty chocolate. And sugary carnival. And wonderparty. And Rose Toillette and a bunch of other things. All this random free money is burning a hole in my pocket but I know I will probably regret blowing it all on overpriced dresses when i'm a penniless uni student living on pot noodles. u_u
(By the way, i've never eaten a pot noodle in my life, so they may be delicious for all I know.)

Sometimes, just sometimes, life is really great. This morning I found out that my lovely grandmother opened a savings account for me when I was born which is now worth something in the region of £1700-2000 O_O
That's more money than i've ever had at once before. I'm not going to blow it all on frills as some might expect, I will use it so that I can actually afford to go to Japan again next year without having to scrape for every penny I can by selling stuff. My dad definately chose to tell me at the opportune moment. This means I can afford to go see things with Emi and we can go to theme parks and theme cafes and concerts and all those good things! Plus I have exam results money and i'll save until we go so the cost won't be an issue at all now, thank goodness. I was so worried I wouldn't be able to afford it. It will be nice to travel a little before uni. :D

Here I am in France :D
It is very beautiful as always and the weather is fantastic, so despite being somewhat lonely and isolated I am having a good time. It's hard to get signal for my phone here and internet access is limited (the laptops sit on the coffee table and I find it heinously off-putting to have people looking over my shoulder while I use the internet - i'm only writing this now because they have gone for a walk). I don't think dad really understands why I find it so important to keep texting people or being on facebook/LJ, he doesn't appreciate that I want the company of people my own age. It's all very well to sit in the sun listening to the cricket with him, but there is a limit to how much I can take! I really feel like a night out which is quite unusual for me, but more than anything I just want to be back at college again. I'm more motivated than ever now that results are out of the way. I got:

English: A
Politics: A
Psychology: A
History: B (lolfail xD)

This was a relief xD
I was really surprised by my unit grades, too. Somehow I managed to get 100% (120 UMS) for the English exam when I genuinely thought I had screwed it up O_O
Literally I was crying and distraught after the exam because I thought I had done so badly, but I guess the examiner appreciated my ridiculous waffling word vomit essay on My Last Duchess and Porpyria's Lover... If I never read another Browning poem in my life it will be too soon. So apart from history, which I will retake (unit 2), it's all fine, and i'm applying to UCL like I hoped for. Not sure where else to apply, though... I'm thinking definately Warwick and maybe Durham, but i'm lost apart from that. Now I just have to read a whole bunch of books so I have something impressive to say in the interview. :D

I literally couldn't be any more nervous if I tried. I will feel like such a fucking failure if they are really bad and I let everyone down. I cried for about an hour earlier just thinking about it. D: D: D:
I know in ten years this will seem so trivial, but at the moment it just feels like everything depends on it and I will never get anywhere in life if i've messed this up. That's ridiculous and illogical, of course, because I can always retake things if i've done particularly badly, but then that will interfere with where I can apply to uni (realistically) and everything will have to be put on hold. It's really stressing me out!
I hate it that the media make out getting a streak of As at A level is so bloody easy when I feel like i've worked damn hard and probably won't get anywhere near that. Thinking about my English exam and how pathetically I performed in it just depresses me to no end.
I went to see my grandparents today and my grandma was all "you MUST apply for Oxbridge" which just made me feel even shitter because I know it's not happening now, and I have disappointed them :( I wish my dad had never opened his big mouth and said I was even considering it. Now they will expect me to do better than I ever could.
Also, i've made up my mind that I am going to dye my hair bright pink and cut it short(ish) and finally get the tattoos and peircings i've wanted for years regardless of what anyone thinks - as soon as I turn 18 (wouldn't want to go anywhere too shady).